Yesterday my daughter turned 7. It took me places that I knew it was time to feel.
Before Birthing My Being was anything business related, it was a seed inside my heart. It was a mission that awoke inside of me when I was pregnant with my daughter, Lily.
It was a calling that captured me and became the only thing I trusted and believed in when nothing else around me made sense. When I was so afraid to move forward, but knew there was no other way. When I had no idea how anything would work out, but knew somehow it had to.
The calling was to step into soul. To step into presence, a life that was rooted here on Earth, an existence that was connected to Spirit, a body that was integrated and alive, a breath that remembered the belly, and a heart that softened into love, the Heart of the Mother.
This path of motherhood has been shocking since the beginning. I was pregnant one year into my recovery and healing from an eating disorder. I was discovering myself after drowning in addiction and stabilizing my life after multiple attempts at ending it. I was fresh into a deep season of healing and awakening, coming off of a cocktail of substances, landing in my body, relearning what hunger felt like, and feeling for the first time, who I was outside of pain and running from pain.
I was nowhere near ready for the pressures or demands of parenting. Some might argue that I had no chance at being a mother or providing a life for my daughter. But I knew who I was deep down. I know my desire to always be a mother ever since I was a little girl and the tenderness that lived in my heart and soul. I knew my capacity to love and nurture as part of my inherent nature as a feminine woman.
I knew I needed to meet my daughter with all of my heart and soul. It was the transformation I knew I needed. I could feel her essence, her light, her soul, and I already so deeply loved her and I needed to bring her into this world.
This journey has been one twist after the next, on the deepest path of faith. After separating from my daughter’s dad numerous times and officially three years ago, single parenting brought the next series of heart aches, challenges, and invitations into expansion. To expand beyond what I knew was possible for my own life and my daughter. To navigate the depths of my own grief, while providing and containing safety and stability for my child. To push through depletion, loneliness, panic, time after time, all while connecting to something bigger than it all.
It was an invitation I was willing to walk into with all of me.
The initiation into motherhood is designed to awaken the light of the mother.
To crack the heart open, to the core.
To live from this place and nurture the light of the child.
To love and nurture the body as the home of this light.
And to reclaim and remember our own innocence.
This innocence is a reawakening into joy, play, and surrender.
“I am birthing my being. I am birthing my being.” To me always meant, and still means I am here bringing the light of my soul to Life. I am here, nourishing my body, awakening my voice, breathing with the earth, being myself, choosing truth, and choosing to love. I am being me. And in this space, I am free. I am bringing life into the world, and bringing new life to myself.
And I am remembering this all through the heart of the mother.
This dream is for all mothers to live from their light, in deep connection to the Soul. To the Heart. To allow the initiation of motherhood to rise you into greater connection with who you came here to be, for your children, for your community, for the planet.
Becoming a mom was the softening and surrender that I was terrified to experience, but fell so quickly in love with.
It’s not easy.
And there is no perfect way. There is only feeling. Choosing to feel what is in front of you as a call forth into presence.
This is not to place to the very extreme burden of rising into my soul onto my daughter. There is a difference between thinking your child is here to fix you and your problems, and choosing to be the authentic expression of yourself for your child to marinate in authentic light.
Children are here to be themselves. They are not here to save us, fulfill us, comfort us, or rescue us from our past. They are here to be the light, their own unique light. And we choose what to do with that. We choose to either rise into the call of Soul out of this love, or remain rooted in pains of the past.
So where are you running to?
What are you running from?
Because all of you is Here.
I hope you look back and see how beautiful it all was and is.
This life is a miracle.
My prayer for you is that you can truly see and tap into the beacons of light and support that have surrounded you all along.
May we have the courage to feel this, and faithfully birth the beauty of our being.